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How the Long John Index Works

The Long John Index is a 'not-scientific-whatsoever' method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as 'Long Johns”. The Long John Index originated in the Arctic Capital of Edmonton Alberta, in the second decade of the 21rst Century. It is used mainly for edutainment and gambling purposes.

The Index runs on a scale from 1 to 5; 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. The Index corresponds to weather conditions, including air temperature as well as that Wind Chill, which was invented so people can brag about living through -68 degrees, even though it was really only -31 degrees. The Higher the number ( or rating if you will ) the more your very survival depends on wearing a pair of Long Johns.


The Long John Index ratings are as follows:


1 – Low/Wimpy - Temperatures between 0 and – 10 degrees Celsius, No Windchill.

Long Johns shouldn’t be needed, unless one is spending 7+ hours outside with no touque and standing so still they might be mistaken for one of those creepy living mannequins. Any movement will generate enough body heat to not need Long Johns. Hell, blinking will generate enough body heat to keep you warm. If you are wearing them at this temperature, hang your head in shame, and go back to Vancouver.

  Moderate – Temperature between 0 and – 10, with measurable Windchill. 

Long Johns probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors. You shouldn’t need them for short commutes or jaywalking. Probably best to start diggin em out of the ol underpants drawer, as if it gets any colder, you’ll need em!

3 – High – Temperature between -10 and – 20.

Long Johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour. You may also want to look into some for your pets. And, if it gets any colder, you may start sleeping in these things, so best to get a backup pair.

4 – Crazy High – Temperature between – 20 and – 30.

Long Johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes. It’s bleeping cold. If you aren’t wearing any, you’ll get that freezing, yet for some reason burning, sensation on your upper thighs. That’s your thigh’s way of freaking out wondering why it’s so cold. Your thighs hate you right now.

5 – Effin Nuts – Temperatures of – 30 and worse – Windchill no longer matters.

Long Johns should be worn INDOORS. Don’t even bother going outdoors. Don’t even look at the outdoors, unless you have Long Johns for your eyes. It’s that cold. Just grab some comic books and some hot chocolate and go back to bed. When it’s nice out, someone will tell you.